Tears of joy…no…pain.

Well – the lesson I learnt this morning is never, ever tell the truth.

EVER.

Yesterday, I thought it would be a bright idea to try and give Sgt. Burpee the shit sandwich of good-bad-good with “I danced last night but my eating has been bad but I bought a treadmill so it’s all ok”.

How you think that went down?

Why was I so stupid?! This is the man who yells at me for drinking an OJ!

Needless to say, my workout was torture this morning.

Let me paint a picture:

So here was my workout this morning

120kgs x 12 leg press -> 10 x burpees -> 1 min wall squat with 10kg weight sitting on my lap.

140kgs x 10 leg press -> 10 x burpees -> 1 min wall squat with 10kg weight sitting on my lap.

160kgs x 8 leg press -> 10 x burpees -> 1 min wall squat with 20kg weight sitting on my lap (plus Sgts foot).

While I was busy dying, I was threatened with “If you’re not on this wall in the next 5 seconds, I’ll be adding an extra 10 burpees”.

You can bet I was on that was with a very long face.

But wait, there’s more!

On the rower for 500m keeping the speed under 2m20s and straight into a 1 minute plank with a foot on my back.

Then I was allowed to get a drink of water.

When I wondered back, thinking it might be time for some upper body..No! Sgt was next to the stepper and said 200 steps at 150 resistance, no arms on the bars. Then 30 squat jumps and another plank and you’re done.

This is the point when I started to cry – I asked for another 1 minute rest break and was denied.

Fortunately, it must have made Sgt uncomfortable enough to take some pity on me.

He said “You start now, 20 squat jumps and I’ll drop the plank”.

I sniffed and blinked my way through the 20.

How embarrassing.

I then got lectured on wanting to lose weight and then sabotaging myself. It was going to be much harder without a trainer so why would I do it now when I have support?

He was right.

Well, only because he found out what I ate (and I suspect that 700g I put on wasn’t pure muscle).

Moral of the story kiddies? a) do what your trainer tells you or b) make sure he never finds out what you did wrong.

It’s karma, right? Serves me right for cheating all these weeks.

Thank god I’ve only got 1 week left!!!

I’m gonna go eat a box of neurofen now…

 

 

And here it is and I hate you both.

So fate decided I should be the owner of a treadmill.

Not quite sure how Sr. B and I will get it into our house but it’s too late now.

I thought I’d throw in the opening bid on a spiffy tready going cheap and see if I got it.

I did.

I don’t want it to sound like I regret it, because I don’t.

In fact, I was so excited just thinking about it last night I couldn’t get to sleep!

The other thing it’s motivated me to do is start up the Couch to 5k’s again. They’ve got podcasts with bpm music to help you through.

I just figure people who run and people who are skinny. I want to be one of those people.

Let’s hope no one dies in the moving fiasco – will report back.

P.S – my waxer was FANTASTIC! no lopsideds and a complimentary shot of butterscotch schnapps. Beat that!

P.P.S – triple points to who can guess (without googling) the post title quote.

 

The train’s full, you weirdo! Sit the eff down!

This morning, I’m on the train during peak hour on my way to work.

I’m standing in the centre of the aisle midway through the carriage.

I knew people would be getting off at the next station, so I readied myself to pounce on an empty seat.

To my (and the others standing with me) luck, 3 women all got up and one from the same long seat and hopped off the train.

I thought “I’ll hang back and let these other 2 get in so I get to sit on the aisle seat”.

The other two file in and I plonk myself down in spot no. 3, middle lady plonks down in spot no. 2, window lady is standing there fanning her seat with her hand.

She looks sheepishly at us and says “The seat’s warm”.

Well, no shit,  Sherlock! You just watched someone vacate that seat 15 seconds ago!

Now this is something I discovered during my time in China (yes, for all new players, I lived in China for 3 years). They were all convinced that if you sat down while the seat was still warm you would get cootees or bum germs or something. Apparently, if you wave your hand at it for 10 seconds, it scares the germs away and you’ll be safe.

Urgh! So annoying.

Not that it really affects me. She can stand waving her seat for all eternity for all I care. Doesn’t make my relaxation any less comfortable.

I just hate things that are completely illogical.

If anyone can shed an ounce of proof that fanning a luke-warm train seat (or any seat for that matter) rids it of cootees, I will eat my hat.. or some extra pizza… or maybe that gelato that’s calling my name…….

NO!

Sit down and take you butt germs quietly and without complaint like the rest of us!

 

Give up alcohol for a year.. What!?

For those of you who know me well know that I enjoy a few every now and again (those of you know know me really well know that’s the world’s biggest understatement!).

I also know the damaging effects alcohol can have on your mind and your body – not to mention your waistline!

Inspired by a good friend of mine in Perth who did this challenge ‘just because he wanted to see if he could do it’, I thought I would take it one step further and go sober for a year, with the added benefit of raising money/awareness for a nominated charity.

Sounds crazy, right?

Feels impossible.

But if I have a worthy goal in sight and sheer determination on my side. I reckon I can.

Who said you need alcohol to have a good time?

Anyway, I’ll keep you updated on the progess of my 2012 challenge… like I was going to start before Christmas… Sheesh!

In other news, 3 sessions left with Sgt Burpee. I’m really struggling. Dragging my sorry ass out of bed in the mornings is tough, eating those salady type foods is non existant even tougher.

I’m in the battle between buying a treadmill/elliptical or joining the gym.

At the moment both seem pretty awful.

Though, I do have my eye on a little ol’ lady’s cross trainer that’s going cheap, cheap, cheap…

Shall we let fate decide?

Well, I’m too lazy to be proactive so let’s just see what happens…

 

p.s Tell me your thoughts about the Sober 2012 idea. Stupid or heroic?

 

Hourglass

Would you believe after yesterdays post, I had a client who’d withdrawn come back and reapply for the job. Not complaining, right? I left the office on a cloud and floated all the way to the pub.

Yes, I know that I’ve got my final weigh in tomorrow but the call of cider and parma was too strong and my legs (and willpower) were too weak.

Naturally, I also had to polish off that KitKat when I got home – it looked lonely, I swear!

It was a tough night, a close friend of mine is suffering from depression and my heart goes out to her. I was so sad that all I could be was a voice over the phone and not a physical shoulder to cry on. Even just to give her a hug would have made such a difference.

I kept chanting the mantra, “just breathe”. I believe that when you’re feeling so out of control and like  you’re drowing in a whirlpool of emotion, if you can just get your breathing under control, you have something.

From there you can start to move on to other things. Baby steps.

Anyway, this morning I get an sms around 6am from Sgt. Burpee saying he’d slept through his alarm and my session had been cancelled could we reschedule to 7:30am instead? After Sr. B and my sleepless night, it was quite welcome to get an extra 20 mins of snuggles and dozing (p.s snuggles is not a metaphor for something else!).

The good news is I’m having a ‘skinny day’ today! 🙂 For the first time, I’m in a reasonably fitted skirt and I feel like I actually have a waist, like, a smaller one than before! This is particularly good seeing as tomorrow is D-day and I should be still rounded out from cider and parma…

Bad news is today’s workout was horrible! Sgt. Burpee definately put his name to good use.

There was a boxing drill from hell:

100 x overhead punches – 5 x burpees

80 x overhead punches – 5 x burpees

60 x ov…. well you get the idea. And this was the last 5 minutes of my workout that was completely focused on upper body.

Can you even imagine how much I wanted to die and/or kill Sgt. B?!

And the icing is, everyone at work giggles when I walk in the office looking like a nuclear beetroot.

Wish me luck for tomorrow, I know I’m going to need it!

 

p.s Sr. B said I was a little TMI yesterday with my ‘moustache’ comments so I apologise if I offended, please let me know if you need Visine posted out to you for your seared eyeballs (ew).

Champagne and razorblades

It’s been one of those days.

Up, down, up, down.

Sore bum, throat, quads, biceps… the throat isn’t from the gym, just in case you were wondering…

Feeling really inadequate to do my job, then getting praise from assignment feedback, candidates withdrawing, new ones ringing. OMG. I need a drink!

Perhaps need is not the word – desperately want to drown myself in a bath of butterscotch schnapps… and melted cheese… mmm, cheese…

Weigh in on Friday.

There’s even a caramel chunky KitKat sitting in my fridge…

I found a new waxer today. I was going to Ella Bache and paying way too much for a lop-sided bikini wax leaving me looking a little more “Movember” than I should be…

Let’s hope this new one is better, they’re supposed to be specialists for it so I figure I might as well give it a try because there’s nothing worse than having a hairy lip.

Speaking of, it’s the last day of Movember today:

1. Sr. B is very excited about getting rid of his itchy, 70’s porn star mo’.

2. There’s a mo-party celebration thing on tonight at Luna Park but apparently thunderstorms and heavy rain are due in the next hour or so, so I’m not sure if being soggy and sober outdoors tonight is what I’m really looking for.

You know what? Even my Jonathan Cainer horoscope today was pretty ambiguous – I live by that guys predictions.

What is going on?!

 

 

Domesticated much?

I’ve really lived up to my blog name today.

My poor, poor muscles cushioned by fat are trembling. This is what happens when I decide to ‘call in sick’ for the training session on Friday. I know, judge me.

I’m also told by Sgt. Burpee that today is my 9 week anniversary and it’s time to weigh in and take my measurements.

Did you see my jaw drop and eyes bulge out of their sockets?

I think in order to explain the horrified look on my face, I need to explain what I got up to on the weekend…

So after the nacho fiasco with my girlfriend on thursday  night and bad, bad lunch on Friday I actually didn’t do too badly for dinner. Sweet & Sour Beef Stirfry.

Saturday morning I thought I would celebrate my good dinner with a chicken burger for breakfast (with fries on the side, of course) from the ever delicious, Post Cafe.

Suddenly I wasn’t feeling so good – even my poor stomach struggled eating so much food that early in the morning.

I needed a nap, that would fix everything!

When I woke, Snr. B wanted lunch – I was still full.

I decided that we should venture to the shops and I wanted to try my hand at making Turkish Pide.

Not that I ever cook but I had a hankering for it and I suspected Sr. B wouldn’t be keen on hitting up the local Turkish again so soon.

I was looking very um, 50’s housewife in my velcro curlers and nightie dress kneading dough in the kitchen. Sr. B thought it was hilarous and took photos while I glared at him.

While waiting for the dough to rise, we got peckish. So I brought out some stinky cheeses, olives, pate and grapes for us to snack on along with various kinds of chips. I accompanied this ‘light snack’ with gin and ruby red grapefruit juice…and a couple of ciders… (highly recommend the winter cider from Rekorderlig)

After demolishing that and feeling slightly tipsy – I sorted out those bad boy pides. I stuffed them with cajun chicken, mushrooms, basil pesto fetta, spinach and lots of cheese. Then off they went to think about what they’d done in the oven.

Oh the smell!!! *insert drooling here*

We managed to contain ourselves to sharing 1 of the 2 enourmous pides as I was keen to eat the rest when I got home from our outing save the other one for tomorrow.

We headed out to a friends for a few drinks. No pide was had on our return home – it was lights out!

Sunday morning. I wake up and squint around the sunshine coming in.

My phone had died so I reached over to Sr. B’s to check the time as I knew he had to go to a photography workshop in town at 9am (which I’d graciously bought him for his birthday).

9:04

I think Sr. B got out of the house as fast as possible due to the amount of steam coming from my ears.

Long story short, he made it on time as they started late. I consoled myself with a caramel slice and polished off the remaining pide (sharing the bum of it with the rat) and watched reruns of Seinfeld.

This wasn’t enough so for lunch we went to our favourite local Vietnamese place for ricepaper rolls, spring rolls and some awesome tempura squid (delicious but not the same without chilli). While we were in the area, we spotted a young girl walking down the street with a slurpee. Neither of us had drank one of those in at least 10 years! Sr. B said apparently 7-11 was doing a promo with all these cool flavours.

Needless to say we were walking down the street, 5 minutes later, happier than pigs in shit with icey sugarfests.

You think that’s it? Not even close!

My Sunday night cravings got the better of me and I made the decision that pasta and garlic bread was on the menu. Not just any pasta, tortellini boscaiola and beef lasagna (the 2 healthiest choices, of course) without chilli. 😦

I inhaled it.

 

So, cutting back to having my final measurements and weight taken today? I don’t think so!

When I was quizzed by Sgt. Burpee about what I’d been up to and how good my eating had been. I lied though my teeth saying there was a  lot of Vietnamese (partially true) soup but I’d had it without the noodles, just broth as I didn’t have much appetite. I’d spent most of the weekend in bed (also partially true) and didn’t have any alcohol (well…).

I made my bed and now I can be fat in it.

 

 

 

It’s all downhill from here..

I’m full. Like, I need a nap kinda full.

It all started yesterday when:

1. I told Sgt. Burpee that I was feeling unwell, which was kinda true.

2. A girlfriend had broken up with her other half and needed a wine and a whine.

3. I have no self control.

So during the afternoon I get said phone call from distraught friend, I offer consolation in the form of food, alcohol and an ear to vent into. Being the good friend I asked, “Any dinner requests?” to which she replied “I hear you make a pretty mean nachos”.

Who was I to argue? The girl was in distress!

I though I better add some chocolate, vodka and cider just to wash it down (considering Sr. B wasn’t going to be at home, I could get away with it).

When I arrived home, I was understandably starving so I thought I’d better make a pizza as a pre-dinner snack. In my defence, I only served half of it as an entree. I didn’t want to ruin my appetite or anything…

I slept very well last night knowing I didn’t have to weigh in this morning AND I had left over pizza for breakfast.

The only downside to this story is none of it contained chilli. How do y’all do it? Live a little!

So I started today armed with 2 slices of cold pizza and a butterscotch espresso chiller (don’t look at me like that, skinny milk and no cream so it doesn’t count!) which eased the pain of knowing 3 of our jobs fell through and I was going to have to call the unlucky candidates.

Being Friday, we have office pub lunch as a tradition. I noticed potato wedges on the menu, which I’ve been craving since forever. I wasn’t going to be ‘unhealthy’ so I had squid with thai salad as a main and only ate about 3/4’s of the wedges the table agreed to share. Plus 2 glasses of white wine so I could wipe away any memory of this morning.

Suddenly, I’m not feeling so crash hot and am in desperate need of a nap.

 

Silver lining? Clouds?

What do you want first, the good or the bad?

Well let’s keep it the way I like it (it’s my blog so I suppose you don’t really have a say in it).

BAD stuff: Aside from me feeling like death warmed up this morning, my manager walks into our office today and starts up an open conversation about crap (well, not literally). Somehow, this coversation isn’t intended to include me. The other two girls in the office got to put their two cents in about the topic, though neither had any experience in the matter. This was met with great enthusiasm by my manager. I, who does have some knowledge on the topic, was not consulted or even so much as glanced my way for any input. Please note, it’s happening about 5 feet from my desk in an open plan office!

For someone who loves to talk, it really frustrates me that I’m left out of these conversations, particularly if I have something worthwhile to say about it. I don’t know why. My mum used to say to me “but why do you care what they think?” I don’t, but I just want to be part of the group – you know?

In an attempt to not look like my parent’s dog when he get’s left outside and does the stalker stare at you through the glass sliding door, I logged onto my email to see what was happening in the world outside work… which leads me to:

GOOD stuff: I got the results back from my assignment I sent in yesterday!

And it was good 🙂

 Achieved Competency

Congratulations Myeverythinghurts –  This is an excellent pass

You have submitted a strong assignment that demonstrates good understanding of the ethical issues in this case study

 Well done

 You have effectively demonstrated the skills and knowledge to meet the performance criteria specific to the unit.

So hats off to me and up your bum with a rubber thumb to the rest! 😛

Uh oh, we’re in trouble…

Sr. Bachata tells me yesterday “I went to look at your blog yesterday and there had been no updates”.

I didn’t think anyone would care, I know I didn’t. The only things going on in my life at the moment are the same ol’ ones that have been going on for the last few months.

Well, that’s not entirely true…

Over the weekend, I agreed to stop eating chilli for a month. I did cry for quite a while over this. I even tried to bargain my way out of it by giving up alcohol instead. I was greeted by a firm “No. If you start now, you can be back to eating chilli by Christmas.”

Le sigh.

I’ve had a few raised eyebrows about this so I thought I should explain the reasoning behind it.

For those of you who know me, I put chilli on EVERYTHING. I even carry around a bottle of habanero Tabasco in my handbag for those times when the waiter forgets my emphasis on “extra hot”. I have a cupboard full of chilli sauces, flakes, powders, marinades and pastes, it even goes with my breakfasts (although generally breakfast will be last night’s dinner if i have my way).

Since we came back from Fiji, my digestive system hasn’t been quite right. TMI, I know.

Sr. B seems to be blaming the chilli for it. I’m defending the chilli – with guns blazing (or is that my bum the next day? shh!).

It’s not the chilli’s fault. It’s delicious and makes the food sing! It brings excitement to bland noms! Sometimes, it even makes me see stars… but I usually try to avoid hallucinogenic yummies…

I lost the battle and now it’s a long face at dinner time and whinging about how boring everything tastes. The sad truth is, my intestines haven’t been making those scary Paranormal Activity kind of noises lately and there hasn’t been any phrases along the lines of: “We need to go home RIGHT NOW and I’ve got dibs on the toilet”.

Classy, isn’t it?

So roll on December 19th – then I will stuff myself so full of chilli, I may spontaneously combust! Ala, Homer J

 

In other news, I’ve started TAFE – Community Services and just about finished my second unit. YAY!

I’ve also been working out super hard with Sgt. Burpee – OMG, I can’t even stretch my arms properly today and I’m supposed to be doing a boxing class tonight. Just kill me now. 4 weeks to go until I finish up there – 4 kgs? We can only try, right?

And just to record this piece in history: apparently Flitty in her post-lunch crazies decided it would be a wonderful idea to try out jumping onto our second story balcony railing while it was pissing down rain.

Needless to say, she packed herself when she realised nothing was on the other side except a 15 foot drop and horror of horrors, it was wet! Let’s hope that won’t be happening again in a hurry…

Any chilli substitutes, let me know!?